Ha!

From the consistently excellent Lenin's Tomb.

A joint statement from the Conservative Party and the conservative press posted by lenin

The government and the right-wing media would like it to be known that they are very disappointed with the lack of scruple, principle and resolve on the part of the capitalist class. In these difficult, austere times, it was incumbent on them to make very public, proud, ostentatious use of freebie labour, and to show class-wide unity in the offensive: not wilt under the slightest pressure from the Socialist Guardian BBC Bloody Trotskyspart General Strike Workers Party. 

The aforementioned parties have therefore decreed the following: 

1) it is a disgrace that a tiny party with no seats in parliament can make us look likely bloody idiots; 

2) of course, we don't look like idiots - they look like idiots, we look great, and we're winning (winning, winning, winning!); 

3) businesses have to stiffen their spines and stop pretending that they're embarrassed to be seen in public with us... yeah, well, does our face look bovvered?; 

4) you turn if you want to, Greggs, Tesco and the rest, but we're not for turning, unless you want us to. Do you want us to? Do you want some free money? We'll give you free money. Look, have Iain Duncan Smith's house, he doesn't need it, he sleeps in the fucking crypt.; 

5) it's not true that we're very unpopular. The SWP is very unpopular. We have written it in our columns, and said so on the television, and now everyone knows just how unpopular the SWP is.; 

6) the SWP is a tiny party, completely irrelevant, things would be perfectly okay if everyone would stop talking about the SWP.; 

7) the SWP has eaten our hamster.